date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
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I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
The French word for sex is croissant.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost