I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
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sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.