*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
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My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.