My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
You Might Also Like
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.