Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
You Might Also Like
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Put this video in the Louvre
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.