If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
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Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
When they try to steal your moment.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Bartenders are just boneless bars
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
dictator is short for richard potato
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel