You Might Also Like
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Yes, but it was never about money
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE