No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
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“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.