“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
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[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Venn
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
My guardian angel deserves a raise
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”