Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
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Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
🍛
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat