I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
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How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives