“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
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I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Spring of Deception
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…