Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
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My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked