therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
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Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
and now we wait
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments