I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
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My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.