Some people were born into their job.
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Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
This kid will have a bright future.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.