Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
You Might Also Like
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Thank you corporation very cool
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
mood
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
when you order from DoorDastardly
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.