Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
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I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”