I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
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[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
men are simple creatures
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic