The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
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people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.