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homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
first you must answer his riddles
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous