Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
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Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.