The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
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Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Oh no
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan