[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
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Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people