Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
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Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
R.I.P.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF