[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
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Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.