[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
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My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
look at me when i’m typing to you
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.