People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
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My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*