Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
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12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Always
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
@funTweeters
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person