Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
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“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
That’s incredible! 👌
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
real
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.