I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
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I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?