[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
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The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
They’re stuck in your pants?
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
just having fun
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?