“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
You Might Also Like
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ