Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters đ
#nofilter
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[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
The package proclaims that the NasoyaÂŽ baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word âbrieflyâ does not, in fact, mean âunderwearlyâ
local news anchors be like âdry cleaners robbed. more as it unfoldsâ or âpriceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchyâ or âpool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surfaceâ or âbuilding elevator plunges. residents feel shaftedâ or â
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
I really donât care where yâall are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyoneâs eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors đ please help me find my brother
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed âmonster shaftâ into the google search bar