I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
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My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Me trying to reach for my goals
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship