The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
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Me trying to walk in a dream
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
scared to check what name she chose
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.