JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
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*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.