Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
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i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.