Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
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Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you