In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
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ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*