A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
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I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
This could’ve been an email.
But is it really??
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”