Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
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FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Schrödinger’s cookie
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?