[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
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If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
I came this close!!!!
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel