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Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Omg 🤣
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
where the womens at?
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.