I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
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my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
describing stardew valley
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?