LOOOOOOL
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“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.