How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
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CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
BRO LMFAO
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…