You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
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<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one