The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
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Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
choose your fighter
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.