I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
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[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.